The Darkness inside
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"The darkness grows inside me, even thinking about it gives my inner demons strength."
As I sit down to begin this interview and reach inside for inner strength. I know that this will not be easy, diving into my own mind as well as others for the darkness that lives inside a select few. How would you describe PTSD to others? It is fear, but not fear of snakes or spiders, not the fear of the dark or death. It is the fear of failure. For some failure is a matter of retaking a test or having to start their diet over because they just had to have a bite of cake. If I fail it could mean the death of a soldier I lead and guide. It can lead to pain for families and friends that will have no one to blame but me. Failure could lead to the death of my own family because I was not strong. It becomes overwhelming, consuming every thought.
The darkness grows inside me, even thinking about it gives my inner demons strength. A foot hold to use to weaken me. This is a daily struggle – within myself- that will not allow me to quit. I think of the changes that I have made, so much like many of my brothers and sisters in arms who suffer in silence. Not many of us can see them in ourselves, we make these changes unconsciously to protect ourselves from more damage. I delve into my own mind because I could not convince anyone else to speak to me about it. Like most they push it down and deny it, it is weakness to admit even to a fellow sufferer.
Failing something small, something little is a trigger for me. Being somewhere I sense failure is even worse - A crowded room that I know I can’t protect myself and family, a crowded bar where people lose the common courtesy of civilized society and feel that any disagreement should be settled physically. I fear the fights I see around me for two reasons. When you fight there are only two logical outcomes, you lose, you fail to protect yourself and those around you; or you win, if I win I know that my friends and family will become afraid of me. I will not stop and give mercy to someone who starts a fight. I will fight until the threat is gone and only death or paralysis can cause that. If that is the case then I have failed again, my family will run afraid of the monster I have become.
I never allow myself to stop looking for threats, I identify them and guard against them with zeal. That is the only way I have found to help protect myself from it all. I never allow weakness to show around any I do not trust, I never place myself somewhere without first finding a way out.
I tell my family very little of my issues; they know I’m in pain and that there are certain things I have to do to remain calm. They know that there are some places I just can’t go anymore. But overall they are left in the dark. Like many I don’t want to let the world know what I go through; its weakness and something that I do not wish to share.
The only advice I could give to others in my shoes is that you need to stay strong. That the pain you feel on a daily basis is something to be overcome not languished in. Every day you have to get out of bed and keep breathing; I can’t promise that it will get better but I can say that you will move forward. Failure is not an option and giving up is failure. Giving into the pain is failure. Don’t let the demons and the darkness win. Stay strong my brothers and sisters and know that when you decide to open up we are here for you.
Thank You,
Jason Maggard
As I sit down to begin this interview and reach inside for inner strength. I know that this will not be easy, diving into my own mind as well as others for the darkness that lives inside a select few. How would you describe PTSD to others? It is fear, but not fear of snakes or spiders, not the fear of the dark or death. It is the fear of failure. For some failure is a matter of retaking a test or having to start their diet over because they just had to have a bite of cake. If I fail it could mean the death of a soldier I lead and guide. It can lead to pain for families and friends that will have no one to blame but me. Failure could lead to the death of my own family because I was not strong. It becomes overwhelming, consuming every thought.
The darkness grows inside me, even thinking about it gives my inner demons strength. A foot hold to use to weaken me. This is a daily struggle – within myself- that will not allow me to quit. I think of the changes that I have made, so much like many of my brothers and sisters in arms who suffer in silence. Not many of us can see them in ourselves, we make these changes unconsciously to protect ourselves from more damage. I delve into my own mind because I could not convince anyone else to speak to me about it. Like most they push it down and deny it, it is weakness to admit even to a fellow sufferer.
Failing something small, something little is a trigger for me. Being somewhere I sense failure is even worse - A crowded room that I know I can’t protect myself and family, a crowded bar where people lose the common courtesy of civilized society and feel that any disagreement should be settled physically. I fear the fights I see around me for two reasons. When you fight there are only two logical outcomes, you lose, you fail to protect yourself and those around you; or you win, if I win I know that my friends and family will become afraid of me. I will not stop and give mercy to someone who starts a fight. I will fight until the threat is gone and only death or paralysis can cause that. If that is the case then I have failed again, my family will run afraid of the monster I have become.
I never allow myself to stop looking for threats, I identify them and guard against them with zeal. That is the only way I have found to help protect myself from it all. I never allow weakness to show around any I do not trust, I never place myself somewhere without first finding a way out.
I tell my family very little of my issues; they know I’m in pain and that there are certain things I have to do to remain calm. They know that there are some places I just can’t go anymore. But overall they are left in the dark. Like many I don’t want to let the world know what I go through; its weakness and something that I do not wish to share.
The only advice I could give to others in my shoes is that you need to stay strong. That the pain you feel on a daily basis is something to be overcome not languished in. Every day you have to get out of bed and keep breathing; I can’t promise that it will get better but I can say that you will move forward. Failure is not an option and giving up is failure. Giving into the pain is failure. Don’t let the demons and the darkness win. Stay strong my brothers and sisters and know that when you decide to open up we are here for you.
Thank You,
Jason Maggard